Embracing Vulnerability

I recently had a student come back to my yoga studio after a long hiatus.
As usual, I asked how they were since it had been so long.

“Not good, actually, if I’m being honest.” was the reply.

They then proceeded to tell me the anxiety and panic attacks they had been experiencing on a regular basis, and apologized in advance if they got up and left unexpectedly during class without warning.

(If I could insert an applause right here, I would.)

IT TAKES SO MUCH BRAVERY TO BE THIS VULNERABLE!

I want you to know that I appreciate this so much.

I would much rather know where my students and clients TRULY are physically, mentally, and emotionally, rather than just getting a sugarcoated response that they’re feeling “good” or “ok.”

By knowing what was going on with this student, I could carefully navigate teaching a class that was mindful not to trigger them.
Traumas are real, and although yoga can be a great tool to combat then, it doesn’t always work that way.

Some poses can trigger.
So can movement, or music.

When you are disconnected from your distractions—conversations with others, tech, media, etc.—when you are 100% aware of your body and your feelings, it can be an intense experience.

The best thing we can do is breathe through the intensity, and communicate when it is too much.

It’s also important to know we are not alone.

I want you to know that I, too, have experienced my own traumas.
I have worked time and time again to work through and heal my depressions and anxieties.

There was once a time I didn’t know how to.

I want you to know there was once a time I was so depressed, I had to drink every night in order to fall asleep.
I was so exhausted from being so sad that I couldn’t even sleep on my own anymore.
I didn’t do yoga at that time in my life.  I did some meditation, but I didn’t know much about it and didn’t keep up a regular practice.

I was broken from losing my father to suicide.
My coping mechanism was drinking.

And working out WAY too much and TOO hard to cover up the unhealthy habit.

There was also a time I had a full blown panic attack in downtown Austin on a rooftop 6th street bar.

It was about 2 weeks after my dad died.
I couldn’t handle the happiness.  

I looked around me and everyone was having fun, dancing, laughing…
But, I couldn’t do any of those things.
My spirit was literally angry at the joy that was intercepting my field.
And it panicked.
In turn, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I saw invisible walls close in on me, and I collapsed to the floor in the middle of a group of people.
We all had to leave, because I couldn’t handle it.
I was with my boyfriend and a group of people, and I killed the night with my anxiety.

I didn’t do it on purpose.  
I simply had no control over myself.

When it comes to no control, I’ve also suffered from stress-related digestive issues.

They started about a year before my dad died, around the time my boyfriend and I broke up after being together for 4 years.
After living together for most of that, and thinking we would be getting engaged...
We broke up.
And it really fucked with my heart and my emotions.

To deal with it all, I started running.
REALLY running.
I started training for a marathon, not having done any other distance race before.
Not even a 5k.

I used to do cross-country in high school, but that was nearly 10 years ago.
I used to run a mile or two in college, a few times a week, but that’s it.

But I was heartbroken and lonely and scared of feeling that way, so I needed a distraction.  I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, so I worked to ignore them.

The running actually came pretty easy.  It gave me focus and helped me clear my mind.
But the digestive issues were still going on.

And they got worse with running.

…Ever heard of “Runner’s Trots”???

I typically ran 6 out of 7 days, and at least one of those I would have an accident if I couldn’t find a restroom in time.
...Or a tree, or bush, or ravine, or somewhere to duck behind and handle my business, mid-mileage.
I always kept TP on me, just in case!

Just Keeping it real, folks!

And, in the spirit of vulnerability, I want you to know sometimes my anxiety got so bad that I'd have an accident NOT running.

Just trying to get to a bathroom somewhere, in my day-to day errand running, stressed out and overwhelmed with everything I had to do.
Thank GODDESS never AT work!
And never in my car!
But, one time, I even had to get out and go on the side of the road on my drive to a marathon I was running in New Orleans.
There was traffic and I got anxious about it and there was no bathroom in site.

Shit happens.  Literally.

And your girl here has shit herself as an adult more than she wants to admit!

I have to laugh about it now.

People think Yogis have their "shit" together...clearly I have not many times!

Again...LITERALLY!

But, the point is, I want you to know I’ve been there.

I have been there in those panicky feelings.

I have lost control.
I’ve been there, time and time again.

Healing is not a linear process.
Anxiety doesn’t just go away instantly.

But, I will say, it all started to get a little better when I took the time to focus on myself.

I started going to a yoga class, and doing meditation on a more regular basis.
Soon I was going to yoga twice a week, and doing meditation daily.
Then, I started going to yoga class plus practicing on my own at home.

I started running less.
And, with that, my chronic IBS-D starting getting a little better.

I also stopped drinking on a daily basis.
Sometimes I even went weeks without a drink.
I gained control over it.

Thanks to yoga and meditation, I started to realize I was doing things that weren’t good for me.
Running could be beneficial, but I was using it to “run away from my problems”…literally.
(And, to be honest, my body NEVER felt good after a race.  Despite running for 5 years through numerous marathons, half marathons, and 10ks, my knees ALWAYS hurt.  And the trots made me fear every single run I went on, both in training and racing.)

Funny how my first yoga class was titled “Yoga for Runners,” and it led to me to not running at all anymore.

What yoga did for me, was make me learn that I was in control of making myself feel good.
If I went into a pose and couldn’t breathe, I could come out of it.
I could also avoid a pose at all, if it didn’t feel good for my body.
The key was, I started to listen to my body, and do what made it happy.

I started to do the same went for my mental and emotional health, as well.

I started eliminating the things that blocked true joy, including my unhealthy habits.

And the depressions and anxieties that were attached to them started disappearing, too.

With the happiness, I gained more confidence to confront my traumas, triggers, and emotions.
…Including those that came up when I was doing yoga.

Remember how I said a pose can trigger?
Our issues are in our tissues.

There were certain poses I would hold in my yoga practice that would cause memories and feelings to come up…not necessarily ones I would want to come across during a public yoga class.  

And I would cry.

Or have a mini panic attack.

Or feel like I couldn’t breathe.

And, sometimes, I, too, had to get up during class and just leave.

But, I continued to come back.
I kept practicing.
I kept returning to the poses and holding them longer.
I learned to BREATHE THROUGH IT….all that came.

Because I was still in control.

And, over time, the memories and tense sensations that once overcame me started to subside.

Sometimes for good.

And the ones that return get easier and easier to navigate, understand, and slowly release.

Healing is not a linear process.
I want you to know, I am still healing, too.
I want you to know you’re not alone.

I also want you to know you can work through it.
I want you to know you have the power.

It starts with awareness. 

It starts with vulnerability.
It starts by showing up.

And by being ok with where you are, no matter what, you will learn to breathe through everything.
Especially the anxieties, triggers, and panicky feelings.

You are in control.

You are always in control.

Even when you are aware that you are not in alignment, you are in control, because you know you are not ok.

You are aware that you are not ok.
And, it’s ok to be not ok.
And you become aware of that, too, and start to accept it.

When you are having your low frequency moments, please know that I have not been ok, many, many times.

Sometimes, still, I am not ok, too.