“ALL MOTHERS ARE MOTHERS, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE.”

“ALL MOTHERS ARE MOTHERS, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE.”

These were the words spoken to me from within from what I know in my deepest soul was my Nana, my mother’s mother, a few short months ago as I was processing my Mother Wound in the shower.

Of all places, I find a channel the most through the water.

Whether it be ocean, lake, bath, Amrita, or, in this case, the shower, that’s when the Universe speaks to me most.

Being an air sign, the water grounds me.

It connects me to the Earth, yet keeps me in the effervescence and fluidity I am so used to existing within.

It keeps me in the in-between.

One morning, a few months ago, I was feeling particularly vulnerable with my Mother Wound, and she came to me.

At first it was a sound:

“GAAAAA”
Like, “MAAAA,” but with a G.

I had never experienced this sound before, yet, somehow, immediately, I knew it was my Nana.

...And, also, somehow, it was ALL of my grandmothers—my entire feminine lineage.

—and then it was all of the grandmother souls across The Universe.

“GAAAAAAAAA”
Like a vibrant, audible sigh of relief.

The words wrapped around me in a comforting, nurturing way--like the way she used to hold me.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
Each time stretching longer and longer, as if I was letting go more myself each time I let the vibrations sink in.

And then, she said:

“ALL MOTHERS ARE MOTHERS, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE.”

It struck my heart like lightning.

My heart still beats strong when I write about it now.

This wasn’t the first time my Nana had come to me.  It started in pregnancy, when again I was processing my Mother Wound and feeling particularly alone.

She came to me in the shower.

...in the form of a spider.

Whilst this may seem common or irrelevant to others, the spider to me had such significance that I immediately knew it was Her even though she hadn’t been with me for so long.

When I was young, I found refuge at my Nana’s.  I spent many weekends there, and one of my favorite things to do was take a bath in her calming blue bathtub.
Before I was old enough to do it myself, she would wash my hair.
When it was time to rinse, she would say “Look up at the ceiling and check for spiders!”  So I would look up and conveniently avoid the soapy water from getting in my eyes.
Sometimes there really were spiders, a common occurrence when living in the country in Southern Oklahoma.
We would never kill them or harm them.
We just let them be.

So when I was in the shower while pregnant, processing my emotional wounds, and I looked up to rinse my hair, and saw the black spider up above,
I immediately thought

“Grandmother Spider.”

And I knew right away it was my Nana.

At that point, she didn’t have many messages.  It was more of an energy of presence and comfort, giving me the nurturing motherly energy I needed when I didn’t have my own mother, her daughter, to turn to.

I always let the spider be, and I continued to feel my Nana with me up until the day I went into labor.  I even saw her with me in the shower in the new months with my baby boy.

...Her first baby was a boy, too, and it was like this unspoken connection that her guidance and love was passing through to me.

One of my biggest fears in pregnancy, was that I would become like my own mother, her daughter, and let mental imbalances overcome me to the point that I would abandon my child.

But my Nana assured me with her energy, that I was not my mother, and I was put on this planet to embrace Motherhood, rather than run from it.

Through her energy and guidance, I have healed most of our maternal line, the broken links between her, her daughter, and me.

But, a few months ago, what was left of the wound festered full force.

I found myself an emotional wreck as a new mom-- sleep-deprived and mentally anguished, battling postpartum depression, anxiety, and insomnia.
Amidst the instability I found myself again worrying that I would become her.

I found myself angry with her.  Confused and hurt by her lack of wanting to be in my life.  Of basically letting me go at the age of 14 with no fucks given.
Upset and misunderstanding how she could not be in her children’s lives?

When I held my son for the first time, I began to bloom a love for another human I had never known before.  How could she have not experienced the same thing?!

Although I hadn’t spoken to her in 16 years, she was still getting to me.
The last time I had spoke to her face-to-face was after my Nana’s funeral, in which nothing was resolved and it ended in my storming out and driving away, to never speak to her again.

As I reflected on all of this in the shower, that's when I heard it all.

That's when my Nana came to me with the sound of “GAAAAAAAA”, and told me “ALL MOTHERS ARE MOTHERS, EVEN WHEN THEY DONT WANT TO BE”.

And the “GAAAAAAAAAA” wrapped me in a sigh of relief.

I paused in my emotions, there in the middle of my shower, and realized although I had partially forgiven my mother, the Mother and Healer in me couldn’t let go of the fact that she didn’t feel the same as I did about my own child.

When my Nana, her own mother, spoke those words to me from within myself, I finally felt peace.

My Nana reminds me that although my mother does not have a relationship with me, and does not desire to, she does still remember me.

How can she not?  She birthed me and raised me for 14 years of my life!

But I was also reminded that the memory of me was enough for her, and some mothers just don’t want to be.

The sheer validation of my existence somehow healed me.

To know that she knows I existed, and probably still do--is enough.

I will probably not ever show up on my mother’s doorstep, knock on the door, and try to “fix” things.

I have worked hard enough over the past 2 decades and more to heal the deep wound she left on me.

And even though I have no desire for our chord to be retied heart-to-heart, womb-to-womb, I still find peace in the deep separation, for it is a void where all potential for existence lies on the other side.

Maybe one day my mother will pass and come to speak to me from the other side just as her mother has done.

Maybe she will find me in this real life and try to renew our severed connection.

I continue to let it all hang in the maybes now, with more peace than I have ever had before.

If you are dealing with an estranged, severed, distant, abandoned, or unraveling relationship with your mother, I hope you understand just what my Nana, what all the grandmothers and nurturers of existence now say to me and you:

“ALL MOTHERS ARE MOTHERS, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T WANT TO BE.”

You exist.
You will always exist deep within your mother’s womb.
Pieces of your physical DNA are interwoven inter her own.
You are always a memory, even if you are nothing more than that.
Let your validation lift you up.
Let it help you find strength if you are journeying into motherhood on your own.
Or if you are already there.
You are not your mother.
You are an evolution of her.
She didn’t want to be a mother, but you do so badly!
Embrace the opposition.
You’ve always wanted to be the opposite of her anyway, right?
You will magnetically attract what your heart desires.
Recognize the polarity, not the resistance.
Trust you are your own.
Be the Mother you know your spirit, your essence, and your DNA alchemized you to become!

….and know that I am with you.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

Trust, my beauty, and surrender to the love.